generation_next

I've always wanted to be a Big Brother mentor.
Tonight I submitted my application online.
I'm so excited.

To do:
6 Courses:

• 5 regular 4th year courses - Finance included!
• 2 year long independent studies: Orientation planning and a course where I asses the current literature on "screen time" and physical activity, and another on youth and motorized recreational vechiles. Both papers going to Recreation Nova Scotia to provide a basis for their official stance on each issue. 
• One community project. Grant seeking for "Africville Interpertive Center" Trying to fundrains $60 000 to hire a professional fundraiser. This project has the oppertunity to turn into a two year contract where I could become the "professional" to try and raise over $4 million to build this center.
• Four overdue assignments
• Weekly readings, that I'm currently 3 weeks behind in.

2 Jobs:

• Lululemon Atheltica: Educator who's on the "Commuity" team. Have weekly responsibilties as an educator to go to at least one yoga class a week, and know the product so I can educte on it
  • Currently I know 10% of the product (not enough) and have missed two weeks of yoga classes becuase of my busy schedule
• YMCA: Lifeguard that is taking on an EXTRA role as team leader where I am facilitating the development of our lifeguard team, professionally and as a "team" without any increase in pay or additional title
  
  • As a leader I am interested in elevating a good gaurd team to a great team through employee support and education opporunities. But am having difficulties bridging the recreation hat and management hat - because they fit differently but are the same size.

Attend Profession development oppetunities

• World Leisure Congress in Quebec City
• Present Leadership Theories presentation and facilitate meaningful discussion at DSU Leadership Conference
• John Molson Sport Makerting Conference (note speaker is the chair of Canadian Olympic Comitee!!)
• Take part in/ speak at Rec Nova Scotia Conference
• Lifesaving Society Drowning Prevention

Work with Recreation Society to plan "Rookie Reckies" night to promote bonding and mentoring of first year Rec students with senior students
Develop new facilitators for Recreation Orientation

Acitively involved in Recreation Society, B. Management Curriculum Review, and Leisure Studies Curriculum review

• Attend meetings, develop relations with other departments, understand student opinon

Research Project

• Review current liturature on parenting, adolescents and free time
• Go through qualitative data on adolecent perpective on free time
• Develop paper
• Pray to go it gets published

Maintain a social life - yes I may study Leisure, but I'll never know what it TRUELY means.
Become emotional confussed over the R sit.


Note to self: Yes, there's still half of the semester left, for the love of God, DON'T TAKE ANYTHING ELSE ON!!

Today a lady smiled at me.
I don't know who she was or why she smiled at me, but I'm glad she did.
Rather than passing by me quietly she make the choice to look at me and smile.
Today, I am thankful for her and her small gesture that went a long way.
Today, I am thankful that someone recognized me. Beyond  roles and beyond form.

You know, when you get older (and out of high school) you'll look back at situations that use to infuriate you will seem so petty.
By reflecting, you'll see how much you've grown since then... or how much better you've gotten at not letting your true feelings show because when someone's a bitch... they're really a bitch. No matter what age.

I'm very excited for the things I'm going to do and the many possibilities, but I'm starting to forget about where I am and am not in this moment.

I'm adding Professor to the list of things I want to do.

Random Girl is dancing with this guy who is quite possibly gay (very common at the Marquee)
She starts to get it on with Seth and then goes back to her dance partner. Seth and I start laughing and I high five him.
Girls turns around and walks right up to me and starts to shake her junk in front of me. Then she got really close to me and asked me if I was here with a girl friend.  I said no, my boyfriend.

She turned around and went back to her 'straight' dance partner.

I love that place

For those of you who have not creeped my Facebook. I got the Rec Director position. I'm almost 100% sure I'm going to take it.

I'm also in the midst of writing my final paper for the 2007/2008 academic year. After hours of preparation and note taking, I'm having a blank white word document staring back at me. I need to break the ice! I have a post it note of reminders for the the writing process:

What's your point? Bring the beat back!

Don't get lost in the information

Don't be too  deed - do be assertive and get the point across

What's your feeling? Don't hide behind quotes.

You are HERE!!

Let the paper write it self, don't force the words.

I feel. When you. I want.
I feel. When you. I want.
These three phrases have been ingrained in my head since I was in grade three.
I feel. When you. I want.


I had my first professional interview yesterday. It's for Shad Valley Cams (www.shad.ca). It's pretty amazing what they do. The position was for Program Assistant and Recreation Director. It went very well. I knew one of the interviewers from a committee we both sit on for Bachelor of Management Curriculum Review, which set a great tone. The first thing the main interviewer said to me was that I have a very impressive resume. It was so great to hear someone say that to me, it just uplifted my spirits. The interviewers also said that they were looking for someone with my specific background and education because they've found that the training and understanding Dalhousie gives us is perfect. It was great to hear that my time out here is recognizable and worth it.

I called my mom to tell her how well the interview went. The talk eventually came back to the focus of most of our conversations, money. But this time, I erupted. I don't understand how my parents can continually say that they are paying for my education when I have to take out $10 000 in loans a year and work my ass of in the summer to have enough money to cover my expenses. I feel like they like to stay that to make me feel guilty and remind me that I owe them something so they can have something over my head. It's a conversation we have all the time and it always seems to come back to "you'll have to work at the store this summer." They don't seem to understand that I do not like working at the store. It's not even the store that's so bad, I mean it's just boring labor. It's working with them. I cannot work with my parents because they do not separate life and work. Last summer, I felt like I was constantly under attack because the would keep saying "I pay for your education and this and that...." I would just like to know where this money goes when they say they're paying for me to in school. They pay for tutition (which isn't expensive) but that's not my only expense. It makes up about 1/3 of my total expense.

So I finally told my mom this and got pretty worked up about it. I ended up hanging up on her because she kept trying to talk over top of me. I hung up, and even though I told her everything, I had felt that she was still not listening to me. The rest of my day was a mess. I was late for work and I was not in the mood to lifeguard. I had 7 hours of sitting in front of the pool with nothing to do but my thoughts. What kept coming to me was "I feel. When you. I want" I knew that if I wanted to be heard I had to break it down to the simplest form of communication so that I could clearly articulate the problem and to not offend her by getting worked up (and saying things in the heat of the moment). I started to write it down. And things started to just flow. The more I got into it, the less relevant the stuff I was putting down became. It's clear that there are more issues at work than just this. Stuff that comes from my sexuality and respect.

This started to look up when I was approached by a parent of one of my kids (swimming lessons). He came up to me, and with such emphasis and determined tone, said "You. Are great at what you do." And it made me feel so much better. I came good at what I do, very good. I love what I've been doing at Dal. I'm considering three different kinds of Masters programs and I'm starting to see things from a research perspective because it interests me. One of my favorite profs told me that I would be a great Masters student because I'm very analytical.

So after all this, I'm reminded to break down communication to its simplest form and to remind people of the things they're great at. Because you never know when someone is having a shitty day and needs to be reminded of the things that bring them joy.

I feel. When you. I want.

Uh-Oh
He's started using the heart emotion at the end of his MSN conversations...

Tell me how long is it boo?
Yup, 7 inches that'll do!

I don't need another I could spend my life being your lover.

So  much betta I'm for you. So much betta I'm for you.
Tired of being number two. I can do what she can do.


the love

Um... just a thought..

When you start off a conversation aggressively asking if I fucked your ex boyfriend (which I find offensive and incredibly rude) I start to get a weird uncomfortable feeling towards you.
Then you go on to describe that he's a whore (great, and you aren't?) and how you both cheated on each other and how you feel sorry for him. I start to think you're really bothered by what happened and instead of calling you on it I say "sure" because I have a tendency of being truthful and I don't want to upset you. God knows how you would actually respond it being called out.......

It's not that I'm bad at weird situations it's that I'm trying not to be so much of a judge mental dick about the whole thing.

Weird-o..

For you RuRu:

Ryan says: (11:28:49 PM)
Because their day passes are like $13 and it's a hefty fee for a game of squash.
Ryan says: (11:29:04 PM)
But I can probably borrow someone's ID.
Ro says: (11:29:48 PM)
well, the Y has squash courts and given that I work that I can probably arrange for the two of us to go
Ro says: (11:30:05 PM)
/ sneak you in under my coat
Ryan says: (11:30:45 PM)
Oh, sweet!
Ryan says: (11:30:55 PM)
I've always wondered what the inside of your coat would feel like.
Ro says: (11:31:25 PM)
well, now you'll get the chance!

---------------------------------------------------------

Ryan says: (12:28:14 AM)
Have you had yours removed?
Ro says: (12:29:02 AM)
no, I don't have wisdom teeth, never came in. Next step in the evolution
Ryan says: (12:30:27 AM)
You're like one of the x-men.
Ro says: (12:30:33 AM)
yeah, even more so because my back molar has an extra cusp on it, a mutation if you will
Ryan says: (12:33:14 AM)
Yes, but it means you can chew through mammal bones like the rest of us.

Ryan says: (12:33:39 AM)
I don't know what you're going to do in the event of the apocalypse.
Ryan says: (12:33:59 AM)
I guess you're going to have to cosy up to a nice wisdom-toothed boy who can chew your bones for you.
Ro says: (12:34:28 AM)
and I'm assuming since you have yours, that boy might be you?
Ryan says: (12:35:22 AM)
Well, we might be able to work something out.
Ro says: (12:35:31 AM)
oh ok. I look forward to the next apocalypse

I had an amazing experience the other day while sitting.
I was just sitting focusing on my breath, or at least  trying to, and 'remember' to be in the moment. And a thought came into my head, a devilish thought at that. It was a song actually, a song that you would sing in preschool with a simple tune and melody.  "The more I get to know you, to know you, to know you. The more I get to know you, the happier we'll be" (or something like that - I'm sure there are many variations to the song). But that's quite suiting isn't it? The one of the points of meditation is become more aware of who you are. And maybe, it was my ego (or my mind) throwing another distraction at me that would prevent myself from digging deeper, but even if it was, it's quite powerful. I remember feeling happy and joyful of that thought. The more I get to know myself the happier I'll be. It's so true. Even if it was my ego distracting me, I was in a moment of joy and I was of that moment without having to force myself to be mindful of my experience. I just.. was.

The more we get together, together, together.
The more we get together, the happier we'll be

The more I get to know you, to know you, to know you,
The more I get to know you, the happier we'll be.

Since then, I've found myself asking more questions of my thoughts and actions. Why did I just say that? Why am I making stories? What issue am I not confronting? No profound answers as of yet, but I suspect it's only a matter of time.
I'm excited to find out, or rather realize and understand, who/what I am.

It's 2 am. What am I doing up? I had my stats midterm today (yippie - went well and I kinda had fun) and I'm still thinking about one of the problems. I was in the middle of doing this particular problem when the Prof announced that we did not have enough information to complete the problem, so we would just have to fill in the equations to get full marks. Great right? Well, not if you had just spent the last 20 minutes working out the problem and  being so proud of yourself because you "figured" out how to by pass the "lack of information" by applying the theories we learnt in class. Sounds like something a prof would make you do on an exam, no?

So here's the problem, we were given different variables for: Σx, Σy, Σxy, Σx^2, Σy^2

The first task was to make the regression equation (y=a+bx -part of simple high school math) In order to do that you need to find a and b
a = n(Σxy) - (Σx)(Σy) / n(Σx^2) - (Σx)^2
b = Σy/n - b(Σx/n)


Next we were asked to find the summed of squares variables (SSR, SSE, SSTotal). This is were we supposable didn't have enough information

SS Total = SSR + SSE
We are told in equation 13-16 C that R^2 = 1 - SSE/SS Total = (by extension) Σy^2 - aΣy - bΣxy / Σy^2 - (1/n)(Σy)^2

So now, it looks to me like we have the right numbers to solve the problem. SO I don't get it, why couldn't we solve it. I'm not complaining about free marks, but it stumps me. I asked Katie when she got home tonight about it (as she was the one who pointed out that we didn't have the info) but she kept saying that we didn't have the estimates. What does that mean? The whole point of finding R^2 is to determine how strong your anaylsis is, with the estimates. And according to OLSE principles (and assumptions) the a and b equations should be accurate representations of the population (and by extension the variables give to since they were used in the computation in the formula). 
So what's the problem?

I don't know. I'm going in tomorrow find out.

I know most of you won't be able to understand this, but I just had to get it out of my mind. I can't sleep and it's all I'm thinking about...

I understand. I had been used.
I had been life's rag-doll bitch used only to dry up her blood stained tears, to be picked up out of the floor when needed and tossed aside just as quickly.
It figures though. My karma has finally caught up with me. Cause and effect. The results of my actions caught up to me when I was taking a break. You can't run away forever they said, you're already out of breath. So what was it that chased me? Was it good karma or bad karma?
Nature doesn't distinguish between good and bad. It has not a sense of morals and ethics. It does not discriminate between wrong and right. There is only truth. Truth.
I'm not talking about the "I ate the last cookie" kind of truth. I speak of the deepest truth. The kind "I'm about to get real with you." The kind of truth that comes from a place deep inside and is often forgot about. Because truth forces us to look past our realities, past our stories, past our walls and barriers and into ourselves. Through truth we get to know ourselves and the more we get to know ourselves the more comfortable we are. This is the kind of truth that makes you pause and think, because you know the right answer but you don't know your answer. This is the kind of truth that has the power to shake the very core of who you/we are. It has the power to move mountains. "I am a passionate seeker of the truth which is but another name for God" - Gandhi

Disguised as truth
is
love.

The Pepsi twist kind of disguise, the best kind. In truth there is love. It's so simple but yet so profound. True love. The kind that doesn't need to be masked by stories and riddles.  Where actions out of love are not meant to change or "improve" a person to the way we say they should be. True, honest, acceptance. The quality of love that is invested in a true and deep sense of care and kindness. Truely unselfish love.

I'm writing a paper on management in public and private sectors and I found this quote in one of the journals.
" It is fat, flabby, expensive, and unproductive. It is entangled in a web of
vested interests and pressure groups. It is fragmented, uninspiring, and
ungovernable. It cannot abandon any activities, even if they are disasters."

Do you know how much I love that?!
Fat, flabby expensive, and unproductive!!!! AHH!

Yeah keep interrupting me... That will help

I feel like what's going on is like a game of chess.

And I think I'm about to be out maneuvered....

Sagittarius: Just because you're excited about something doesn't mean everyone is. Try not to pressure a friend.

What you mean I shouldn't have sent that bitchy e-mail to my friendemy?
Two days too late...

It's just one of those things that you can't avoid. Even when you think the odds are on your side. Just as you think you're in the clear and you wouldn't possibly see him again, you turn a corner and there his is. Stops you dead in your tracks until you fell your body spining you around and taking your down the adjacent street. He's everywhere these days, at your work, on the bus, in the halls, in the streets, in the stores. At one point, you'd spend your time wondering why you never saw him outside of the time you spent together and now you can't escape him. It's one of But, I bet you never thought what you would do or how you would react when you saw him the next time after the breakup, the great demise, the gloomy defeat. The first time you forced out a smile and a quick wave then went on your way, avoiding small talk at any cause as if it would be enough to break your legs and keep you there for eternity. In that very spot you never wanted to be again. The next time your veins filled with fear and you panic - quickly taking a sharp turn to avoid any sort of contact or acknowledgement of existance. To "spare yourself" from the pain you once said, you were too "good" for his childish games. The fear doesn't stop there, it creeps up and transformed itself into paranoia. You wonder if you should have stayed the course and just smiled and perhaps engaged in small talk. You should have been a good boy. The kind your parents raised you to be, polite and considerate. Taught you to never be selfish or demanding, never taking more than what was offered and always smiled. "Now play nice" they would say. No one would ever play nice. Even then, everyone was out only for themselves. It was in the sand box that you learnt that you needed to look out for only one person, and that was you.  But your parents never taught you how to deal fear or how to pick up your life after you lost your heart and forgot about number one. It's must be some sort of weakness, personality flaw. Not just the fear and the panic, but the whole thing, the entire relationship. You start to believe it was just a part of some emotional longing to latch onto something, hopefully something constant, something safe. Which, is ironic when you think about it isn't it? You want to latch onto something, or someone, but that someone is constantly moving and full of their own doubts. How could they be answer? This is the thorn in your side, the source of your  longing, your constant weakness. You are the last true soldier of the world, an invidual strong and determined to force his own path in the world; alone. There isn't time for this emotional longing. You mustn't forget about that valuable lesson of the sand box. Survival is key is you want to keep forging your own path. You must force out your weakness as if by forcing it out you would get rid of it. By ignoring it and keeping focus you would deprave it of energy and it would eventually cease to be. Quick! The plague is coming!Best to force it out before it can do anymore harm. And you start to see him as a blessing. You're thankful that things didn't work out int he way they were suppose to be - the Disney version of  "suppose to." And THANK GOD for that! A "suppose to" ending would mean distraction from your mission.